How to Stop the Gossip?

A common issue that I’ve found as a Spiritual Director and confessor to hundreds of people coming to retreat in Montserrat goes something like this: “I find myself judging others harshly and I can’t seem to stop” or “I just can’t help myself from gossiping. I tell myself I won’t do it anymore and then I do it.”

Before I say anything I’d like to clarify that by judging we don’t mean distinguishing between what’s good and what’s wrong. We mean ruminating on what’s wrong that becomes destructive. And by gossip we don’t mean the sharing of information that will mean safety for someone else. It’s the relishing of speaking ill and seeing the faults in another. In these cases just “trying to stop” won’t work. 

I like to suggest an indirect approach. Most of the time when that voice inside my head has such harsh and high standards for others it means that the same voice is twice as harsh and demanding towards myself. The antidote? First, become aware of it. Notice when you’re mean to yourself. Second, take a moment to wonder how Jesus's love and mercy might speak to you in that situation. God is always patient, and always inviting us to improve, but from love and tenderness, not from accusation. Third, try to speak to yourself that way. 

Give it time and it will start bleeding into how you think about and relate to others. 

Fr. Pepe Ruiz, S.J.